Friday, May 10, 2013

As I crawl toward another life...

                                                  A letter to my sister.

                            As I crawl toward Another Life: Unknowing.

Heidi: It was so splendid to have your arms around me! There's something about that DNA touching and such! :) My sharings with your son as we walked were so nice, but better yet, pure. I talk to your son plainly. I always have and never mince words as we've spent time. I see what I see and tell him my thoughts with all the kindness I can share slashing about with a chainsaw. I can't say I am a positive male figure in any childs life. I can say this though: I will be myself to them. I Will share my thoughts and beliefs without fear of reprisal or shame. I will tell them my insane thoughts, desires freely.

I had a mentor in my life like that: His name was Mr. Merhaut (English teacher: 11 and 12th grade). It was through him I learned to express and share. To rage into the dying of the light! (can't remember what writer poemed that line.)

While I was talking to David, i thought of uncle Bill. Sure, he was a drunk and tried to blindside grandpas will, but looking back over the cascading decades of memory, he was always good and right with me... He did a lot with me. I have memories of him taking me to Geauga Lake and riding rides with me...

And to think when all the shit hit the fan over grandpas will, I slashed the tires of his Jeep...

Am I a drunken uncle? Well, I would have a difficult time arguing this given my history and liking of bitter beers. Am I a Drugged uncle? Well, that's a subject open to interpretation: that oh-so thin line between the legally prescribed and other avenues for treatment without insurance coverage. Take some peace in this: I am still alergic to pot. I have my teeth without them going crystaline (Crystal Meth, first sign after fast weight loss, teeth begin to look like pale-clear geodes.) Heroin: Ah! ( i have often thought this one a nasty road to wander down, and for many it is.) It didn't work for me. Tried it twice, and the only things it opened was the fastest sense of euphoria and the defecation of my shorts. Yeah, twice was all that took!  Sorry, whatever mind gain there is, when you fill your underwear with fecal matter, you really need to rethink a few things.

Heidi: This weekend I am going meet a new woman. I have been chatting with her and talking to her on the phone for over two weeks now. When we talk, we speak for 3 to 5 hours at a clip. She found me from my blog and lives about 90 miles away. I am frightened, heidi. She talks the way I do. She says things fucked up and obsurd and makes me laugh. Her writings make me think in a way I haven't known in decades.

Heidi: Have I paid enough yet to go further? Have I tried enough with other women that fail to learn that I can go on with my life? yeah, i know in area's of my groin and heart will flounder, but do you think it's time for me to swim in different waters?

Her name is Lady Warrior. She lives near Youngstown. She is my age, just under five feet tall and 110 lbs. She has a daughter with Down's Syndrome currently having liver issues and in the hospital (so toss your prayer wagons to circle) . She makes me laugh, smile, Heidi. It's been such a long time since I've had this in my life. One having a mind that has an ability to catch me offguard and shred me into blind faith via smiles and an innocents I haven't felt in a very long time. Interests like mine: writing, psychology, photography and works hours as fucked up as mine. As the two of us share over the phone at a time while the rest of are sleeping and eventually wake up, our minds pleasantly collide.

I am scared, frightened. I think meeting her, physically so, might be like meeting myself. In female form. Sure, the sex would be awesome, and that would only account for 3 hours of a six hour gracing. Having never met one similar to myself, her finishing my statements, thoughts and such, I am taken a tad aback. >yeah, she could be a psychopath that has enough knowledge of me via my writing she could con me. I think I'd catch this as eyes lock on meeting: Predators know others of their kind. I'll take it from there. Still, it would be nice to be with another like me. I am planning on seeing her this weekend. Further, I have told Gretal this (I guess we'll find out how much of a homicidal maniac she is, right?) She is vastly different than any other human I have known. She can children to sing and play guitar. There is so much she could give to a peds oncology ward ) and I guess others could give their time that way ( I guess through that I just gave up on her.

I won't lie to you, Heidi: I'm scared shitless of doing a face to face with Lady Warrior. I'm 50 now, take bp pills and work out. At the same time, if I am to find another life, (my blog: Psychopathy: Another LIfe:) I guess there must be some point I take a leap of faith, right? Throw all caution to the wind, close our eyes while opening mind and take a step off a ledge.

Isn't that what faith is all about? What we're willing to do, toss ourselves over, face perhaps    a type of death of soul or being, for something intangible and maybe better and recreate ourselves anew.

           a sense of allowing ourselves to feel innoecent once again like a rising child seeing its first butterfly?  This infant, smelling its first rose, mothers dripping tit while hungry, his dads first fart while wondering appartnment walls are always white, closet doors never close and their is so much noise unrhythmic unlike when they were in their mother.

         I am scared, dear reader.

          I think i need to take   this step into a darkness I've been afraid to. If i have any emotion left...

Perhaps to recapture them once again.

     Mark William Darus 05102013\