Wednesday, April 18, 2012
This is the story of Nancy. Native of Boston Mass. You have to love the intrinsic power of music and how it works on the minds processes. I cannot find fault on her personal conclusion for herself at this point in time anymore than i could find fault in someone doing anything against their upbringing. You go with what works for you. We are all more based on what works for us than the greater good.
Defying gravity: This is my story of how I learned to kill my emotions, thus becoming a psychopath. I excelled in life, and never looked back.
My name is Nancy. I live by what most would consider a normal life. I work, pay taxes, (sometimes) and con most into believing I am a nice caring person. I have a dog, two cats and a a few friends who far more often that not, help when all goes wrong. Granted, I help them move, pick them up when they are sad and desparate. Their relationships run bad, a sounding board, a shoulder to cry. I can be there for them.
They tell me of their pain and anguish. I hug them, tell them everything is gonna be alreight and so forth. Yet I cannot feel their grievances except through some trace-memory of decades past. I know how their faces look and how my face and body language should respond, but there is no feeling in me. I just do what I think I should do. I do this to aid them, friends and such.
Frankly, I am not sure why I help anyone that cannot make me advance.
For years, I tried to play by the rules my parents, schools and friends taught me.
I went to high school, did band and chess club and though I was top in those, I got no scholarship. Why is this? I asked myself many times….
Did great in college, scoring higher and making top 5% of my grad class. Rose to editor for school newspaper in my sophomore year. Kept up with band, chess and even did well in glee club. Turns out I had a voice that turned heads.
Did these things help?
Nope, not at all.
You must be thinking I am some total dog or horribly obese person. Well, I was not. I was 5’9” and weighed in at 121 lbs. Long red hair over albeit anemic white skin. High cheekbones, slender arms and shapely legs.
I just couldn’t seem to make that oh-so-vital first impression that made those in authority take notice of me.
I even did public service in homeless shelters to aid my resume. I cleaned piss and shit from whores and junkies coming off overdoses and addictions. I fed their kids while they were in detox. I did it all.
No notice, not even the slightest recognition. NOTHING.
When I graduated college: most of my friends who had much lower grades, no extracurricular activities or even any public service backgrounds reached higher on jobs than me, I realized I was doing something wrong.
They lied successfully and I didn’t. They manipulated things that made them look great.
I loved my parents, but my friends must have taught them something better.
Over the first few years after graduation, I worked meaningless jobs that had nothing to do with my degree. Had relationships that left me lifeless over time trying to please and fail.
Then, from a commercial, I heard about an off-Broadway musical.
I related to the lead character like non other.
And this song…
(spoken) Elphaba - why couldn't you have stayed calm for
once, instead of flying off the handle!
(sung) I hope you're happy!
I hope you're happy now
I hope you're happy how you
Hurt your cause forever
I hope you think you're clever!
I hope you're happy
I hope you're happy, too
I hope you're proud how you
Would grovel in submission
To feed your own ambition
So though I can't imagine how
I hope you're happy right now
(spoken) Elphie, listen to me. Just say you're sorry:
(sung) You can still be with the Wizard
What you've worked and waited for
You can have all you ever wanted:
(spoken) I know:
(sung) But I don't want it -
No - I can't want it
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
It's time to try
I think I'll try
And you can't pull me down!
Can't I make you understand?
You're having delusions of grandeur:
I'm through accepting limits
'Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down:
(spoken) Glinda - come with me. Think of what we could
Together we're unlimited
Together we'll be the greatest team
There's ever been
Dreams, the way we planned 'em
If we work in tandem:
There's no fight we cannot win
Just you and I
With you and I
They'll never bring us down!
(spoken) Well? Are you coming?
I hope you're happy
Now that you're choosing this
(spoken) You too
(sung) I hope it brings you bliss
I really hope you get it
And you don't live to regret it
I hope you're happy in the end
I hope you're happy, my friend:
ELPHABASo if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
I'm flying high
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!
I hope you're happy!
CITIZENS OF OZ
Look at her, she's wicked!
:Bring me down!
CITIZENS OF OZ
No one mourns the wicked
So we've got to bring her
CITIZENS OF OZ
And so, I became, as my shrink would call it, a psychopath. It took many years of friends and loved ones telling me to seek help. Got to love med benefits: they make many rich and seldom do any good.
I like myself this way. I cannot be hurt. I cannot be nailed by trying and failing. I seldom fail these days. I have learned to manipulate and lie convincingly.
I have risen trhough the ranks and currently make just over 500k a year.
I have defied gravity.
Those that would’ve held me down with such things as: just give it time, you’ll make it. Love lost is better than no love at all.
My family and past friends, though with good intentions, had such a little clue to my hearts pain no matter how vividly or intellectually I’d spill it out for them.
I killed my emotions. One by one. And over time, I had to do nothing…
I defied gravity and am so much happier for it.
Thank you Mark.
You gave me a place to speak my mind and set some thoughts to peace.
So many look at us as being monsters, but we like racist jokes, don’t all fit the profile. I wrote this from your cracker barrel post with the Less than Zero music playing. Great soundtrack there. Inspirational. Sorry to hear how much you have lost from this blog. Sisters not wanting to speak with you must have some impact on you.
Know this: you are reaching a world, and with that, there must be some downsides. I am behind you.