Friday, March 29, 2013

Going to be offline for a while. Sorry.


      I'm going to be offline for a while. I am sorry for this. Recent events will have me unable to post here. That's okay, as other matters are pressing me at this time.
           I wish I could tell you what is going on. All  I can say is I am losing weight at an uncontrollable rate while eating over 9000 calories a day.
           I know I do not have AIDS or HIV.
           My blood work is borderline toward other areas of illness.

            So what?

            Cancer? That would be the likely suspect.

            Let's face it, cancer is boring. It's treatment beyond painful. How many of us hasn't been anti-graced with its tales? Sure, one could argue: no pain No gain. I personally have known of only one miracle of remission, that being a woman named Anne, diagnosed with a year or two to live over 35 years ago. I think it was ovarian cancer, which I guess I can rule out.

            I think I'll take each day as is comes and try to do what I do.

            What is it I do?

             I know where my narcissistic view of myself would point me through the scope of a keen sniper...
"you can fight that! Hell, I haven't seen a nut in months..."

              I will continue to take Photographs, make insane observations/connections, and still love pissing people off with what I believe to be the truth.

             Though I have been known to be a craft-beer-drunk, most have known me to be just some asshole that had no clue as to what was appropriate or correct. I'd just say what I thought or do as I did. (in all honesty, well as honest as a pathological liar can be that is.) Sorry, but I always knew when I was being sick, disgusting and seriously blunt with my thoughts. I simply didn't care what you thought at the time. When people thought I was quick witted after something someone said, intelligent even,  I somehow knew where they were going and had a witty retort, remark in place before their final breath left their face. To most, this made me a humerous person to be around. Oddly, I can count the handfuls of laughs that hit me truly funny, and most of them were solidly based in the ironic areas of accidents others tragedies that hit others lives.

            I am an animal. Go figure, we're all animals. The human (Hooman) race is nothing but a grouping of wholes, both small and large, like a Dr Seuss story, of the haves and have nots. Attempting to pack up like a den of wolves, yet failing as self indulgence takes hold derailing it swiftly.

            I'm so very hungry.

           When you stroll into a Speedway wanting either gas, Tornado, or coffee, I'm seeking something else.

            Don't get me wrong: I love my job and my place in life, but I am still very hungry.

            I find it funny as I write this. There is only one person that knows about this hunger and she is so far away from me...

           Know this about Nonviolent Psychopaths: like vampires, their cravings reach a fever pitch, which brings them to hunt. Reaching a point of starvation to numb their desires, diving earthward with eyes and fangs full thrust, aiming.
I need space.



            What I'd like for all of you to learn is this: As long as your mind still works, as long as your eyes still see, ears still hear, skin still feels the kiss of cold or warm air running over it like a lovers touch: FEEL and let yourself FEEL!

            I'll write more when I know more.
Am I breathing underwater...
If you think of me, think of this theme song from the TV show House.
Band: Massive Attack. Vocals by the amazingly gifted Elizabeth Frasier (Cocteau Twins).

Mark William Darus 03292013


Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Soul Death: Self Inflicted Mind Cancer?

                        Soul Death: Self Inflicted Mind Cancer?
                                      By Mark William Darus.

Samantha played guitar and sang. Her eyes aglow, body writhing rhythmically from the music she alone created. All eyes on her, waiting for more…

Yet for some unknown reason, she stopped, years later, and has never gone back.

Her eyes now more resemble some all-too-captive zoo-cat in a not-too-bad-off cave. Living, yet not alive…

“owwww, this is gonna be great!” Pete says to his friends as the countdown hits ‘0’. As his seriously oversized backyard Estes rocket ascends, it’s precious payload of one pound of pure dog shit onboard, blasts to the sky! When it hit 2000 feet, a huge explosion ensued, vaporizing the craft and its cargo. He laughed as he said: “I told ya I’d make them all shithead, didn’t I?” To those down-wind, this was true.

He now sits and wonders why he is bored as an accountant.

What is Soul Death?

Sure, most of us experience forms of this as we go through our lives, often reaching for tangible gains while our inner voices tell us differently.

On this I ask you, dear readers, what is soul death to you?

Is it the turning away from our passions that create this?

The endless beating down from others and their jealously of a talent they have no clue about?

That at one point in our lives we were open to the infinite, cast off all sense of how those view us and just went for it, balls to the wall, with life and energy?

I believe it is from following things that make no logical sense to anyone but ourselves that we keep ourselves growing and expressing things others wished they could. It is from this we stay young in spirit and continuously learn and grow.

"If you let your mind fall asleep, like water in a still pond, do you not grow stagnent and eventually infected?" -mark w. darus

What are your thoughts? I'd be happy to place them here or not, your choice and please say which. thanks.

Mark William Darus 03262013

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Changes and thoughts on Boredom.

         Most of you know I hate change. Sure, I adapt to it faster than most and have been complemented on my ability to do so over the years/decades. (Christ knows during my Progressive Insurance employment I was complemented often as that company had, probably still has, the attention span and focus of a desperately wanting 10 yr old afflicted with ADD, ADHD, DID (dissociative identity disorder), MPD (multiple personality disorder) to possibly complete Schizophrenia in it's desire to reach its immediate wants and desires and a utter lack of memory function in what it wanted a mere few months previous.

        I hate change! Oddly enough, in the last year + some weeks, I am doing nothing but with an ever increasing velocity. I find a freeing of soul in this chaos, a release of spirit and mind as creativity through writing and photography meet head on with my changing bodily form. At age fifty, I find this nothing more than miraculous (sp?). God knows, most of you have said this or something like and at no point did I ever shy-away from it: 'that's Mark for you. He's a bit, uh, different." No truer thing could ever be said about me.

           Well, still changing, I want to turn it up a few notches.

"Waiting in a car
Waiting for a ride in the dark
The night city grows
Look and see her eyes, they glow

Waiting in a car
Waiting for a ride in the dark
Drinking in the lounge
Following the neon signs

Waiting for a roar
Looking at the mutating skyline
The city is my church
It wraps me in the sparkling twilight

Waiting in a car
Waiting for the right time”

M83: midnight city

As some unexpected evolution still keeps hold of me, I believe I am more in touch than I have ever been with the world around me.

Given the hours I work, 4pm to 2am sometimes 4am, I recently placed a personal ad seeking others with similar hours. It would be nice to talk, shop, wander about and share voices and thoughts with another face to face. I’m used to doing things alone, god knows my mind keeps me company enough that I have no clue as to what boring truly is. I guess I am seeking one like myself.

Seriously, I have no inclination in regards to boredom. I know many that have said they were bored and such, yet I don’t understand it.

Is boredom an emotion for you? Does it hurt you physically, mentally, both things?

Is boredom something that cannot be explained or is it your inner workings telling you there is a lack of something in your life you cannot explain out and it nags at you. Is it like some unfulfilled craving for, say, chocolate, when you have no access to it, and with that lack, your desire kicks into overdrive and wanting it more?

Or does it go deeper into your head?

Does boredom occur within you in regards to thinking about yourself, even with your sound efforts for a better life, missing out on some perceived happenings that might grant you happiness?

I know full well of many, when in mated relationships, said they experienced boredom in the company of one that once made them forget about it completely. When I was told this by some, I felt compelled to ask them and usually did: ‘why was your boredom eliminated by them? And over time, why did boredom return to you in their presence? Was it their attention focused on you that diverted your attention away from yourself that made you less bored? Over time, as familiarity breeds contempt, did you eventually blame them for your boredom as that is easier than facing yourself and the very wish of not wanting to address yourself in the first place?

I have never experienced boredom though most of you have, so forgive me as I dig a bit deeper.

You come home from work, school, whatever. You are alone in your dwelling. Perhaps you have a dog or cat to greet you or maybe you are simply met with the gurgling sounds of your refrigerator as it recycles as you flick on the lights. You feed the pets, walk them if needed, maybe thinking of what to feed yourself. You toss off a coat over a chair, couch, and think about dinner. You are alone. There is nothing else before requiring your effort. Is that when boredom sets in? Does it occur when every day becomes the pale clone of the one before it?

If married, with or without children: Get home from work, hug the ‘other’, kiss the kids, if you have them, set dinner into motion as you have for years. Listen to the stories of their day, tuck them into bed, share intimacy with the spouse and do all of this on autopilot. Does this bring about boredom in you? Many have stated this is the reason for affairs, but I think that’s a fucking cop-out.

Let’s face it, people. Boredom can only occur if you let it. Are you so lacking in imagination that you need to either get depressed over it or go chasing another human being to eliminate it to find excitement once again?

I think the sheer concept of boredom is created due to a persons lack in their sense of self. At least most of the people I know are creative in one aspect or another, yet they over years of erosion, turn their backs on that part of their lives. Small wonder they choose to blame others for their boredom. Facing yourself is tough work and in today’s times, we’re all about the easy way. I’m not suggesting they’re shallow or single dimensional, just lacking control over their thought patterns as most do repeatedly.

Have you ever been with a mate or lover on a comfy night laying in their arms nestled under the warmth of a quilt when they ask: “what are you thinking?” and you respond back with, ‘nothing, honey.’

Nothing? Really? You can think nothing. What does that really mean?

Is that an extension of your boredom or simply not wishing to express what is really on your mind?

Think about these things, then take the time to think about yourselves.

Mark William Darus 03162013

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Just a video. And how many don't feel this way?

                                          Just a video that made an impact on me.


                              If we stay open to all around us, wonder and sense a need for change, what makes some move and others stay in place?

                            The Band: M83, the song Midnight City.

                            Are they the 4 percent that are nonviolent psychopaths or the next generation evolving as I have been suggested as being?


On Dead Ears as One Dies: The Recording in real life.

                                   On Dead Ears as One Dies:
                                   An emergency tape released.
                                      by Mark William Darus.

                      911 operator borderline begs the caller, a Nurse, to do something, anything to aide a collapsed 87 year old woman who dies.

                      At the time of occurrence, there was no mention of a DNR ( Do Not Resuscitate order ).

                      I am thankful this blog is being read by many Countries across our shrinking planet. Each of your countries, I am most sure, have different views of human life than apparently we do in the United States in regards to keeping our jobs.

                      I have written about  professional medical psychopathic processes in this blog.  I can find no better example to prove this point than this event.

                      Hey, Earth: Take a great look at us! America will help every country on this planet as a result of earthquakes, floods and any other huge disaster. Yet how do you view us when we fail to help our own because of fear of Insurance companies and lawsuits?

                       Having been a dispatcher for over 7 years some time ago, I can totally imagine the frustration the 911 operator felt. She gave every possible out for this nurse, a highly trained life saving professional, to take grasp of to save this woman. All her efforts, extending an olive branch of  hope hitting that of an instantaneous Ice Age when received.

                        My thoughts to this amazing 911 Operator: You did the best you could. KNOW THAT!!! I hope your coming nightmares  don't plague you, haunt you and further hope your coworkers did as mine did when our attempts crashed against legal barriers. You did the same as I would have have, except I think I would have been more profane toward the end of that call. 911 Operator: I bow my head and raise my glass to you. You are a credit to your profession in all respects! Never doubt yourself in the slightest.

                 "I don't understand why you are not willing to help this patient?" she asked...

              Why is it I find more reasons reasons to question the merits of my homeland? Is it because of legal fear that inhibits some of  us from doing the right thing? (i say again: There was NO mention of a DNR during this tape.) Is it because American Corporate policy has become so much a part of our unwritten National Constitution that we simply fall like lemmings for its Handbooks and Guidelines?

               I vividly remember the stories my Grandfather and father told me about the United States, their pride, their beliefs, (though my grandfather knew in the 1970's the Japanese would be the long-time victor of WWII as the bombings Hiroshima and Nagasaki just lead to a battles end.) They both felt a strong sense of union with this place, their homeland and their place in it.

              I don't possibly think my thoughts right now could be further than theirs was back when about America. I have a strong sense of my dead grandparents and mother and father. When I close my eyes, thinking of them in reference to how this country is turning inward,  reaching critical mass, imploding, I think they are praying for my sisters and I. I think they are sending us their strength of conviction. I also think they are crying...

             Authors Note: I may lack the feelings most of you have and carry with you each and everyday of your lives. I may look at school shootings, restaurant slayings, front porch killings and not feel a tug of anything except the desire to write about it and express what I sense about it. This lack of emotion does not mean I do not have an opinion about the world I live in and my tiny hunk of it. I see things differently than you do. I think this is the very thing that would prevent me from doing something so totally wrong as letting someone die as a result of a 'Policy'. Even with such a policy, I would find some fuckin' grey area to circumnavigate it and save someone as well as my own ass.

               I was born a son of America.

               It doesn't mean I will die one of it.

               Other countries have revolutions and have survived much longer than us. We had one civil war. What did that serve? We kept the Union and freed the blacks. Big deal on the black part, ever see the movie Mississippi Burning? What will it take for us to wake up?

                And while I'm asking questions...

                Why did that nurse even bother to call Emergency Rescue in the first place when her companies intentions was to sit back and do nothing?

Mark William Darus 03072013