Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Getting Married on September five 2015. 4 days and counting/thoughts of a Journey.

photo credit to Marti during our Engagement ceremony.)

               Getting Married on September five 2015

I have known Gretchen for over 15 years and desire her more each and every day in my heart than the over 5400 days we've been together. This tugging, pulling toward her everlasting has been truly astounding. The surprising highs and devastating lows we've dealt one another on our journey amazes me further that we are still together in the first place. 

I have little doubt Jesus and his Dad had much to do with our still being together.

  In our early days,some 15 years ago,  taking each other in to its fullest measure, devouring one another with insatiable desires of both felt love and flesh, connecting. Looking back, hindsight being 20/20, we would only screwed things up worse when I asked her to live with me.   Sincerely speaking, we did not know that then. I did not know that then, We based many a decision then on economic survival, yet our hearts were on the right track toward helping each other.  

 On that early living together, albeit in Sin, a brilliant gift was given us during our sinning. >>>Oh, I know how this must sound totally wrong in my expression , yet please hear me out as I see/feel/express things far differently than most. My ability to express myself has made me loathed and hated by many as they considered it blasphemy while others think it true and just. 

        My very own expression of thought in my writing has cost me more than a few friends. Hurtful to me, yet understanding their need for distance, loving them all the same.  God yelled at me many times to Stay The Course, So I meekly did as told, hating the Fall-out, crying at the loss of many in my life, cursing His Name while obeying all the same.  

      My Sisters will not allow Gretchen in their homes for Christmas as they think her to be the worst thing that ever happened in my life. They would have me with them yet could not tolerate two to three hours with them if Gretchen be at right place by my side.  
            How would Jesus and God grant us gifts AS we continually sin before them? 

            I don't look at my past transgressions as a rationalization in any aspect of my life.  I sinned relentlessly, did what I did with others and more often than not found myself a counselor to those I sinned with. For the longest time of my life , confused  greatly by how so many girlfriends confused love for affection. .Eventually learning how this happens during their stressed growing years while reading countless psychology books since age 12  Guiding others for their reaching, learning, growing higher grounds they could not imagine in gaining their dream-future. 

 I do not and will not condone sin while in my background i have delved into many. I have shattered many of the Ten Commandments.   Yet I can understand sins motivations. I understand why people make choices to become life-mates without Jesus at their pulpit. Choose drugs, alcohol and sex as a quick cure-all for loneliness, depression and casting off others . Why so many take another lover/mate to serve as a human-band aide for a quick cure to heal their pain, self doubts  instead of just dealing with it and learning from it and taking the Christ given time to heal thy self.  They, get remarried within a year and end up in divorce court down the road. I KNOW so many aspects of how we let these things happen within us. I know this so damn well I find myself at a loss to know why I haven't remarried far sooner. I think I know why though. I have always been a somewhat faltering junkie of the words of Moses and Jesus, and I always strive to give each encounter my best,When I say "faltering junkie" I do not attempt to shout the words of scripture to others as quite frankly i cannot sincerely quote any passage of the bible. I simply share what I feel about Jesus and God in my words and thoughts and hope I am doing them right in the process. I know when I fuck it up though: I get a flat tire, write up by a boss for something I did not have a hand in, a traffic ticket i did not earn. Funny, i just take that in stride, smile at those accusing, consider it Murphys law and go on. 

               Here we go on my beliefs Jesus has a way of working even during our sin. 

   Gretchen found the inner strength to become the mother I think she always hoped to be as I prodded her furiously  while risking her cutting me off from her life in fear,  I merely told her what I thought about taking her son instead of his father granting guardianship to a mutual friend at the stroke of pen to make it all neat, tidy and legal. I told her I would stay by her side no matter what while she took her son back to daily life. It's ugliness, delays, personal pitfalls while sharing smiles, laughter and deep happiness just doing your best and being together.

     Without me knowing anything at the time in regards to myself, without copulation, I would grow, learn and  find a son in my life. A male kid to share much I shared with my daughters only different. Her son in my life would grow in sharing many elements neither of us would have found otherwise. How is not a blessing from God almighty?

            Even in my sin of our union together back then, I found myself giving her the right words to make it happen for her. I was nothing more than a mouthpiece, and I am so happy to share this: I knew this even then.  I've often told others:" Well, if it hadn't been me, someone else would have said this to you. " 

         Many decades ago, my sisters saw a pattern in my relationships. I never had a 'like/or physical similarity type constant,  They called me a Rescuer. They would pronounce this with such disdain and sadness in tone.  All I can say on that is this; I acted with each partner as i had the power to do so. 


     On the Neat,  Legal and tidy.... 

       Where would a mind play decades down a road of regrets when you realize how much you have missed in a childs life as you get older and time does its dance on your conscience?         

      And with that I end my sermon on Jesus's gifts to us as we sin, while we sin and in so sinning, by he and his fathers grace, an incredible flower can blossom from self doubt, fear and personal loathing. 

          The closer the day comes, so many changes heading my way quickly  as things fall into proper place have surrendered fully in the arms of Jesus, (my heart seeking new employment, moving from the only city/county i have ever known, leaving my comfort zone of Urban WestSide existence and the ever increasing homicide rate around it. ) and knowing in my heart of hearts this is where I should walk with such an amazing woman at side that tried so hard to steer me away from 'my Zone' so long ago as she understood I had more to learn. She, staying with me after several break ups, . I Pledge myself to her, Gretchen, as in four days we are about to be married in the eyes of not only those in physical presence but Jesus as well as we profess our unity and love for one another.

               Is not our lord a forgiving lord? Our God, not an Awesome God?

            My belief: We would not be getting married if those two elements were not so in our lives.