Saturday, March 16, 2013

Changes and thoughts on Boredom.

         Most of you know I hate change. Sure, I adapt to it faster than most and have been complemented on my ability to do so over the years/decades. (Christ knows during my Progressive Insurance employment I was complemented often as that company had, probably still has, the attention span and focus of a desperately wanting 10 yr old afflicted with ADD, ADHD, DID (dissociative identity disorder), MPD (multiple personality disorder) to possibly complete Schizophrenia in it's desire to reach its immediate wants and desires and a utter lack of memory function in what it wanted a mere few months previous.

        I hate change! Oddly enough, in the last year + some weeks, I am doing nothing but with an ever increasing velocity. I find a freeing of soul in this chaos, a release of spirit and mind as creativity through writing and photography meet head on with my changing bodily form. At age fifty, I find this nothing more than miraculous (sp?). God knows, most of you have said this or something like and at no point did I ever shy-away from it: 'that's Mark for you. He's a bit, uh, different." No truer thing could ever be said about me.

           Well, still changing, I want to turn it up a few notches.

"Waiting in a car
Waiting for a ride in the dark
The night city grows
Look and see her eyes, they glow

Waiting in a car
Waiting for a ride in the dark
Drinking in the lounge
Following the neon signs

Waiting for a roar
Looking at the mutating skyline
The city is my church
It wraps me in the sparkling twilight

Waiting in a car
Waiting for the right time”

M83: midnight city

As some unexpected evolution still keeps hold of me, I believe I am more in touch than I have ever been with the world around me.

Given the hours I work, 4pm to 2am sometimes 4am, I recently placed a personal ad seeking others with similar hours. It would be nice to talk, shop, wander about and share voices and thoughts with another face to face. I’m used to doing things alone, god knows my mind keeps me company enough that I have no clue as to what boring truly is. I guess I am seeking one like myself.

Seriously, I have no inclination in regards to boredom. I know many that have said they were bored and such, yet I don’t understand it.

Is boredom an emotion for you? Does it hurt you physically, mentally, both things?

Is boredom something that cannot be explained or is it your inner workings telling you there is a lack of something in your life you cannot explain out and it nags at you. Is it like some unfulfilled craving for, say, chocolate, when you have no access to it, and with that lack, your desire kicks into overdrive and wanting it more?

Or does it go deeper into your head?

Does boredom occur within you in regards to thinking about yourself, even with your sound efforts for a better life, missing out on some perceived happenings that might grant you happiness?

I know full well of many, when in mated relationships, said they experienced boredom in the company of one that once made them forget about it completely. When I was told this by some, I felt compelled to ask them and usually did: ‘why was your boredom eliminated by them? And over time, why did boredom return to you in their presence? Was it their attention focused on you that diverted your attention away from yourself that made you less bored? Over time, as familiarity breeds contempt, did you eventually blame them for your boredom as that is easier than facing yourself and the very wish of not wanting to address yourself in the first place?

I have never experienced boredom though most of you have, so forgive me as I dig a bit deeper.

You come home from work, school, whatever. You are alone in your dwelling. Perhaps you have a dog or cat to greet you or maybe you are simply met with the gurgling sounds of your refrigerator as it recycles as you flick on the lights. You feed the pets, walk them if needed, maybe thinking of what to feed yourself. You toss off a coat over a chair, couch, and think about dinner. You are alone. There is nothing else before requiring your effort. Is that when boredom sets in? Does it occur when every day becomes the pale clone of the one before it?

If married, with or without children: Get home from work, hug the ‘other’, kiss the kids, if you have them, set dinner into motion as you have for years. Listen to the stories of their day, tuck them into bed, share intimacy with the spouse and do all of this on autopilot. Does this bring about boredom in you? Many have stated this is the reason for affairs, but I think that’s a fucking cop-out.

Let’s face it, people. Boredom can only occur if you let it. Are you so lacking in imagination that you need to either get depressed over it or go chasing another human being to eliminate it to find excitement once again?

I think the sheer concept of boredom is created due to a persons lack in their sense of self. At least most of the people I know are creative in one aspect or another, yet they over years of erosion, turn their backs on that part of their lives. Small wonder they choose to blame others for their boredom. Facing yourself is tough work and in today’s times, we’re all about the easy way. I’m not suggesting they’re shallow or single dimensional, just lacking control over their thought patterns as most do repeatedly.

Have you ever been with a mate or lover on a comfy night laying in their arms nestled under the warmth of a quilt when they ask: “what are you thinking?” and you respond back with, ‘nothing, honey.’

Nothing? Really? You can think nothing. What does that really mean?

Is that an extension of your boredom or simply not wishing to express what is really on your mind?

Think about these things, then take the time to think about yourselves.

Mark William Darus 03162013