Thursday, June 25, 2015

Can I Play With Madness? Reprisal: June 25 2015.

                                         Can I Play With Madness?
                                              Mark William Darus.

                                   part one written November, 2014.  part two given me as moon dives into rising sun this morn today.

                             I started this blog with a direction of NonViolent Psychopathy in mind. In the last two and half years, it has run a gambit from that simple starting point to vast areas I never knew I'd find in my research. Yeah, mostly dark and bleak in their nature yet enlightening for those still capable of learning.

                                         Can I Play With Madness?
                     One constant being a song by a band called Iron Maiden and their musical story: Can I play with Madness. (or as one of my daughters would sing it at a very young age: Can I play with Magnets? lol Gotta love how the innocent hear things!

                 This blog started on the heels of a local school shooting, that being in Chardon Ohio, going to areas of psychopathic politicians, corporate CEO's, Members of the Clergy, Dating Relationships and so on and so forth.

                 I find myself lost these days more often than not though...

                  Why so?

                  We've gone from work place postal killing sprees, school killings, and random gang related drive-by killings to be-headings, Hatchet people going after cops to Ebola bouncing around and about.

                   My thought about Ebola: If the sick and stricken Americans  with this can be brought back to the USA and be made well through treatment, how is it that we as a nation don't treat West Africa with the same money we would give any other country descimated by an Earthquake, Tsunami or other cataclysmic event?

                 I think most of us know the answer for this. No profit to be gained helping Africa. So what do we do? We send the 101st Airborne and 4000 National Guard troops over there. I don't like what I am about to write, but will write it nonetheless: My thoughts and prayers go to yet the further Lemmings we press into areas like we did in Vietnam.  Our Male and Female soldiers, the sons and daughters our land, following orders given them.
                      I am lost finding a single area to write about as I am infuriated by what is going on. Help me out. What would you like me to write about? Thanks. I think this song/link works globally with the internet.
            Wishing you the best,
            -Mark William Darus

                   part two:

      06252015 Authors Note:  As I reread this, editing it along the way, I realized something: Playing with Madness, insanity and the depths of depression is as familiar and commonplace to me as one might find in tying a shoelace. It's just something you do and never question why you do it. I've studied psychology for over 40 years now and have never lost an interest in it. I started this back when, age 12,  to perhaps gain a better understanding of myself, though I think the greatest side-effect of my studies gave me a way to help others suffering with minds, thoughts, and lives that hurt them in ways highly difficult to cope with. <granted, I didn't get that part until late teens and so forth.>

            I was not without sin during this lifelong journey though. I used a lot of what I'd learned about human behavior to manipulate  girlfriends, bosses and others for whatever reason I had at the time. Yep, doesn't speak highly for me, does it?  How ugly is it to have an ability to place gentle,  loving, caring people on a chessboard and move them around it for little more than our own amusement?  Well, never wishing to mince words: THAT'S PRETTY FRIGGIN DISGUSTING, LOW AND NASTY!!!!

                   A word of  PROFOUND thanks to Jesus and his POPS: Why did you not strike me down as I did what I did to others? I used knowledge from reading books,  perception from watching others reactions in  many Emergency Rooms, and finding the damaged females, and twisted things horrifically so to get, gain, something....? I cannot justify what I have done before your eyes, yet you let me live....

           All I can speculate is this while looking back  (trying to be humble during this writing and not blasphemy and presume the mind of God) : Jesus and his Pops had something in store for me as I went about my life then. I'm not suggesting they condoned, appreciated nor applauded what I did to others. I do, however, feel they loved me and gave me massive latitude while I strayed, toyed, messed with others to learn from their reactions.

           All things began to change in me as I began to learn patience. This occurred in my thirties, a divorce being the stress factor leading to me nearly killing myself that first Christmas afterward.  I had placed a bottle of sleeping pills I had purchased at a Discount Drug Mart on a shelf that cold sunny day December 1992. My daughters, safe at their  mothers home for the weekend, out of sight, out of mind.

           They, my girls, were away from me....

           On fallen knees, having spoken my peace, begging forgiveness for my weakness from my Lord and saviour, yet unable to surrender then ,  I reached for the bottle of eternal slumber and stopped suddenly. My  eyes, mind, heart and/or perhaps what was left of my soul caught something stopping me fast.  I began  bursting into tears, bringing fists and forearms firmly to floor, wanting to feel a sense of physical hurt to match my mental loathing of myself. I had caused so much damage to others, I caused one who loved me to walk away from... . I had placed the tablets  of Self-Elimination in front of picture of my daughters, my eyes caught theirs in the photo, and with that, the worst and ugliest part of my life died forever....

          I have to thank Sue  <Winkie, back in the-day!> (I cannot find it in my heart to call her an EX. She did what she had to do, And I will always understand this. I was not good to be around then. I will always give her credit: She is the BEST, most gifted artist I have ever known and freely recommend her name to  every place but French Bistros. )  for that photo. She suggested we take a free photo thing from somewhere of the girls.  I believe that photo at divine drop of pill vessel caused me to take stock.

          "Wow, how Spooky is dat chit, m'yan?" me asking how would Tony Montana  (Scarface would say it, lolol.)  We're talking spiritual happenings like  AM talkshow  radio stations like Coast to Coast AM show (1100 WTAM),  George Noury callers   share conversations with others that have mystic aliens place their trash on their front lawns (or is it  those dang Government Snoopers) digging deeper into their brains?  Another proclaiming  "Sasquatch is relieving  Rheumatoid Arthritis pain for all those that amble down to the corner of  Pierce rd and Welsh, just catty-corner from the old Sinclair Fuel Station, and yeah, the old Di-nuh-sewer  sing is still hanging on the post. He's a tad rusty nowadays, but he's still a-hanging thar! "  To: "Hey, Jade Helm is taking, maneuvering around recently closed Walmart stores, converting them into either future interment camps or ammo dumps, bro! Ever see semi's, ya know, tractor trailers, man, with US DOT markings on their sides? Really? Dude, this ain't good for any of us...."

         Spooked out, freaking, crying like the lunatic that I was at that moment, I gave up for the first time in my adult life.

            Was embraced by Jesus.

                 Being  both human of flesh and fragile in spirit, I would still often walk away....

          Patience is a gift, is it not? Sure, soft spoken, encouraging parents tell us in our early years:  " Be patient, Maribeth, Christmas is but a few weeks away and you will find what Santa brings you. Now go back to your homework, okay?"  But look to yourself and ask this: When did you learn to be patient?

                Well, I found I could help others versus fucking with them the all I had learned. This is not to suggest I didn't backslide many a time wanting a comfort zone periodically. God knows I did.

             I think I was granted further living   to teach others things they never thought about in their lives.  Those aspects  being with family, man-woman relationships, workplace environments to political/religious and how  they could be used/abused by them and how to avoid such things.

               Looking at this blog with Newer Eyes now, knowing why I wrote what I did as I will always stand by the words i placed here. Apparently\, I am called to continual do so here...

              God's Not Dead, and oddly, Neither is this Blog. I wish I could say I am sorry, yet I cannot do so. Thru this dark, ugly place I created,  I, given words from otherness, reached others far and wide and still do. I CANNOT, WILL NOT, turn my back on you that still read here!

             Hugs and blessings to you all,
              Mark William Darus. 06252015

Friday, June 12, 2015

To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn...

                                                   To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn...
                                                               Mark William Darus.

               Yeah, the title for this entry I stole from The Byrds.
                Indulge me, if so kind, and hit the link and listen as you read my words.
                                                          The Byrds. Turn...

                How does one end something they created and freely tossed to our Blue Marble?

                 A place  for all to read, learn and hopefully grow as lights might go off in their heads, thinking: 'Damn, now I get it!' and/or 'Wow, how could I have been so blind?' Perhaps: 'Is that how they got a promotion over me?' and many other thoughts some might be hit with.

          It was my intention to show all readers the highly dark and ugly places many of us have either fallen into or created in others and how these events occur in our lives. To show this simple truth: You are Not Alone. I think all of us have either been used by others, have used others for personal gain, or both over time.

               We're both Predator and Prey to one another, are we not? More often than not, both exist in each and every one of us on a daily basis at any given moment.

                    You disagree? No problem, though I ask  you consider this before sending me harsh emails: You feel like you're being used by your boyfriend/girlfriend/coworker/ a boss that steals your ideas to elevate their position, whatever. For reasons you hold within your heart of hearts sacred, maybe fearing what might happen if you talked about them to another,  most likely held from your childhood experiences of physical, sexual or emotional abuse.  You, alone, yet being anothers prey, go  out and about on your time away from those controlling. You are shopping, getting gas, having nails painted to please the "him" / getting a haircut to please the 'Her', while your mind is spinning of thoughts never ending of personal failures in you taking an hour from a week for yourself. As you spending this hour for yourself, relishing it, loving it, cherishing it,   something goes south of expectation, making your brain cross mental terminator.    You so quickly turn  from hunted to hunter at an others small misdoing ,one easily corrected, yet still you go all vocal Isis on them. Belittling them with harsh words, your eyes showing fiery pupils of daggers, the twist of your face displaying your enjoyment for doing to others, hurting others, as you have let yourself fall into a world of bad decisions.  While they apologize, attempt to correct things, struggle at minimum wage to make things right with you, Not Enough for you, is it? You always have to point out how their hair is uneven, a nose piercing sets not quite right, the tat on your arm is misspelled, you're too fat to please any man, honey, forget wearing pink and know vibrators will be your only mate....

             Yeah, I have heard all those above in check out lines across many venues.  I have seen shoppers go so rotten as to say after the cashier told them the total cost for third time was greeted with from a so caught by cell shopper snaps: "damnit, Beyatch! What does I neee- DANG! NOT YOU, sorry hon, I am just asking dis bitch runnin my card to STOP INTERUPTION ME NOW!!!"

                     I thank my  HIGH-FIVING GOD, the pappy of Jesus for giving me an avenue to wander, learn, struggle with a life without things most take for granted.  You said when I would just surrender to you, I would find what made me different.  Well, I found out at your will, sorry my sisters didn't like this.

                 Yet,  I am struggling now. I believe this mental creation given at my hands from othernous, be it God as he gives me the Black and White to write with or Jesus that has me share beauty and redemption for all  to experience safe harbour  with.

                    I would like to give thanks to those that visited Psychopathy: Another Life. My Friends and readers, 48000 strong over it's 3 year life.  I humbly thank the over 88  countries, that read my ramblings, shreddings, carings,  You took time, read my shotguns blasting of thoughts,,, How can not I  say you are the best your country has to give me. IN ALL HONESTY,  I LOVE YOU ALL, HUG YOU ALL. WHERE HAVE WE NOT GONE TO FILTHY DISGUSTING AREAS,  finding pennies on a platform to feed us..

              My Dearest God!  your accidental baptisms Hits my left arm cooling it, sweet. So many, annoyed, rain drops falll.

           again, how does one end something..... How do we slay a comfort zone for better benefit ??

                   Thanks for your sharings. support, belief in something greater tHAN YOURSELF.... Freely taking goosebumps on forearms, the tender strokes across the  back neck, ,                    WE'RE THE DREAM WARRPRW        

  Christ, Jesus, your father lead me on this path of a blog. I must end it now and I find myself crying,  hurting and sobbing surrendering further to your will for me to grant avenues to share with others.   My father, I will to try to make it worthy of you.

         Before closing this, I would like to thank the people of these many lands I have met in the physical world, though they have visited and touched my life: your reading my words kept me alive.

                   Thanks to the people of these proud lands that took the time to read me: Czech Republic, China, Korea, France, UK, Russia, Brazil, Spain, Mexico, South Africa, Malta, Ukraine, Canada, Sweden, Iceland, Germany, Belgium, Afghanistan, Serbia, Portugal, Thailand, Kenya, Norway, Syria, Greenland, Latvia, Costa Rica, Finland, Belize, Rwanda, Greece, Nepal, Australia, Italy, Hungary, Libya, Japan, Taiwan, Lebanon, Trinidad and Tobago, Slovakia, Denmark, Cambodia, Bangladesh, Fiji, Jordan, Laos, New Zealand, Israel, Croatia, Saint Helena, Honduras, Romania, Taiwan, Liberia, Kyrgyzstan, Cape Verde, Barbados, and my friends in what’s left in the once proud UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 

                                I wish to welcome you down another road. Know I am merely a typist....

                                A place filled with potholes and nastiness, yet, a gentle spot to lay your head down, perhaps not feeling so nuts when something catches you off guard in a good way.

                        A Long Down a Short Pier, And Where It Led me....

                   Hope to see you there!
                    I now end this blog, thanking so many of you in my journey down the road....

                     I could not have reached this place without all of you!!!!
                          From my now ever growing heart, so  much like the Grinch  a mere three years ago,  sizes too small,  learning to walk again via OtherNous, figuring things out about myself, limping, crawling, finding avenues of expression that might mate to others minds and grant them understanding and an element of peace.

                    I wish for each and everyone of us to find a place in gentle heart of understanding for all of us that share a precious gem, this being our Blue Marble.

                           WE ALL GOT STADIUM LOVE!
                                              STADIUM LOVE

                        Kick your weekend into gear and share something beautiful and righteous for a change instead of telling how you got buggered off by another.

                              END OF LINE.....
                            MaY YoUr LiFe Be BlEsSed!
             MARK WILLIAM  DARUS 06122015