Thursday, June 25, 2015
Can I Play With Madness?
Mark William Darus.
part one written November, 2014. part two given me as moon dives into rising sun this morn today.
I started this blog with a direction of NonViolent Psychopathy in mind. In the last two and half years, it has run a gambit from that simple starting point to vast areas I never knew I'd find in my research. Yeah, mostly dark and bleak in their nature yet enlightening for those still capable of learning.
Can I Play With Madness?
One constant being a song by a band called Iron Maiden and their musical story: Can I play with Madness. (or as one of my daughters would sing it at a very young age: Can I play with Magnets? lol Gotta love how the innocent hear things!
This blog started on the heels of a local school shooting, that being in Chardon Ohio, going to areas of psychopathic politicians, corporate CEO's, Members of the Clergy, Dating Relationships and so on and so forth.
I find myself lost these days more often than not though...
We've gone from work place postal killing sprees, school killings, and random gang related drive-by killings to be-headings, Hatchet people going after cops to Ebola bouncing around and about.
My thought about Ebola: If the sick and stricken Americans with this can be brought back to the USA and be made well through treatment, how is it that we as a nation don't treat West Africa with the same money we would give any other country descimated by an Earthquake, Tsunami or other cataclysmic event?
I think most of us know the answer for this. No profit to be gained helping Africa. So what do we do? We send the 101st Airborne and 4000 National Guard troops over there. I don't like what I am about to write, but will write it nonetheless: My thoughts and prayers go to yet the further Lemmings we press into areas like we did in Vietnam. Our Male and Female soldiers, the sons and daughters our land, following orders given them.
I am lost finding a single area to write about as I am infuriated by what is going on. Help me out. What would you like me to write about? Thanks. I think this song/link works globally with the internet.
Wishing you the best,
-Mark William Darus
06252015 Authors Note: As I reread this, editing it along the way, I realized something: Playing with Madness, insanity and the depths of depression is as familiar and commonplace to me as one might find in tying a shoelace. It's just something you do and never question why you do it. I've studied psychology for over 40 years now and have never lost an interest in it. I started this back when, age 12, to perhaps gain a better understanding of myself, though I think the greatest side-effect of my studies gave me a way to help others suffering with minds, thoughts, and lives that hurt them in ways highly difficult to cope with. <granted, I didn't get that part until late teens and so forth.>
I was not without sin during this lifelong journey though. I used a lot of what I'd learned about human behavior to manipulate girlfriends, bosses and others for whatever reason I had at the time. Yep, doesn't speak highly for me, does it? How ugly is it to have an ability to place gentle, loving, caring people on a chessboard and move them around it for little more than our own amusement? Well, never wishing to mince words: THAT'S PRETTY FRIGGIN DISGUSTING, LOW AND NASTY!!!!
A word of PROFOUND thanks to Jesus and his POPS: Why did you not strike me down as I did what I did to others? I used knowledge from reading books, perception from watching others reactions in many Emergency Rooms, and finding the damaged females, and twisted things horrifically so to get, gain, something....? I cannot justify what I have done before your eyes, yet you let me live....
All I can speculate is this while looking back (trying to be humble during this writing and not blasphemy and presume the mind of God) : Jesus and his Pops had something in store for me as I went about my life then. I'm not suggesting they condoned, appreciated nor applauded what I did to others. I do, however, feel they loved me and gave me massive latitude while I strayed, toyed, messed with others to learn from their reactions.
All things began to change in me as I began to learn patience. This occurred in my thirties, a divorce being the stress factor leading to me nearly killing myself that first Christmas afterward. I had placed a bottle of sleeping pills I had purchased at a Discount Drug Mart on a shelf that cold sunny day December 1992. My daughters, safe at their mothers home for the weekend, out of sight, out of mind.
They, my girls, were away from me....
On fallen knees, having spoken my peace, begging forgiveness for my weakness from my Lord and saviour, yet unable to surrender then , I reached for the bottle of eternal slumber and stopped suddenly. My eyes, mind, heart and/or perhaps what was left of my soul caught something stopping me fast. I began bursting into tears, bringing fists and forearms firmly to floor, wanting to feel a sense of physical hurt to match my mental loathing of myself. I had caused so much damage to others, I caused one who loved me to walk away from... . I had placed the tablets of Self-Elimination in front of picture of my daughters, my eyes caught theirs in the photo, and with that, the worst and ugliest part of my life died forever....
I have to thank Sue <Winkie, back in the-day!> (I cannot find it in my heart to call her an EX. She did what she had to do, And I will always understand this. I was not good to be around then. I will always give her credit: She is the BEST, most gifted artist I have ever known and freely recommend her name to every place but French Bistros. ) for that photo. She suggested we take a free photo thing from somewhere of the girls. I believe that photo at divine drop of pill vessel caused me to take stock.
"Wow, how Spooky is dat chit, m'yan?" me asking how would Tony Montana (Scarface would say it, lolol.) We're talking spiritual happenings like AM talkshow radio stations like Coast to Coast AM show (1100 WTAM), George Noury callers share conversations with others that have mystic aliens place their trash on their front lawns (or is it those dang Government Snoopers) digging deeper into their brains? Another proclaiming "Sasquatch is relieving Rheumatoid Arthritis pain for all those that amble down to the corner of Pierce rd and Welsh, just catty-corner from the old Sinclair Fuel Station, and yeah, the old Di-nuh-sewer sing is still hanging on the post. He's a tad rusty nowadays, but he's still a-hanging thar! " To: "Hey, Jade Helm is taking, maneuvering around recently closed Walmart stores, converting them into either future interment camps or ammo dumps, bro! Ever see semi's, ya know, tractor trailers, man, with US DOT markings on their sides? Really? Dude, this ain't good for any of us...."
Spooked out, freaking, crying like the lunatic that I was at that moment, I gave up for the first time in my adult life.
Was embraced by Jesus.
Being both human of flesh and fragile in spirit, I would still often walk away....
Patience is a gift, is it not? Sure, soft spoken, encouraging parents tell us in our early years: " Be patient, Maribeth, Christmas is but a few weeks away and you will find what Santa brings you. Now go back to your homework, okay?" But look to yourself and ask this: When did you learn to be patient?
Well, I found I could help others versus fucking with them the all I had learned. This is not to suggest I didn't backslide many a time wanting a comfort zone periodically. God knows I did.
I think I was granted further living to teach others things they never thought about in their lives. Those aspects being with family, man-woman relationships, workplace environments to political/religious and how they could be used/abused by them and how to avoid such things.
Looking at this blog with Newer Eyes now, knowing why I wrote what I did as I will always stand by the words i placed here. Apparently\, I am called to continual do so here...
God's Not Dead, and oddly, Neither is this Blog. I wish I could say I am sorry, yet I cannot do so. Thru this dark, ugly place I created, I, given words from otherness, reached others far and wide and still do. I CANNOT, WILL NOT, turn my back on you that still read here!
Hugs and blessings to you all,
Mark William Darus. 06252015