Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The Brooklyn Messenger: 2nd Satire


                     Brooklyn Messenger: Into a new decade!
                        Version -17, 2 cyber Addishun, 1966.
                                   Oct. 2, 2012 send date.


                       Our late October Clam was a HUGE success!


          An amazing turn-out came forth to enjoy BMUMC first annual Clambake! Many showed to display financial support for our beloved community in Christ on such a chilly November afternoon! Cold as it was, hearts grew most warm when the massive pressure cooker blew to smithereens!

           So blessed were we that several of our flock were paramedics and quickly treated those that encountered second degree steam burns and massive shrapnel intrusions .  So quick did they respond after guzzling so many  of our "Serving Those for the Benefit of Others' free Bud Lites the average person would have  faltered, fainted or just freaked out. Not these men and women, no sireeeee! They gave prayer, most giving praise to our Lord chorally stating:" Holy Shit!" Frantically Dialing 911 with the cells requesting aide,  though sometimes nailing 411 instead,  being greeted with calm female voice: "How can I direct your call?" 


                    Many further away from this unfortunate event were happy to receive a baptism of corn kernels and clam hunks that descended from Gods blue skies above them

            “Baptism by falling corn! How utterly unique!” said Abner Jockhead, smile beaming from him as he wiped corn from his loving children’s crying heads. 

            A slender brunette lady wearing a slinky royal blue dress, lacking underwear lines, vastly 'Coked-Up', ventured her thoughts: "This is sooooo cool! I've caught popcorn tossed at me with open mouth, but clams?!?! Never in my life! God be blessed most high!!!! Clams from Heaven! Tastes like Crab though"

           “Wow, can’t say I’ve seen this before!” an unidentified bleach blond wearing the devils short-shorts said enthusiastically. "Anyone know when the 22 bus crosses Archwood and West 25?"

            So many gave loud rejoicing to our lord Jesus, powering us with glorious words of praise, several asking for Jesus to save them: “Jesus Christ!” “Oh my F76k*&G GOD!” “Dear Lord, save us all!”

         One plainly dressed brunette female, who looked Amish, firmly asked for our lord to take her moodiness away from her: “CAN SOMEONE PLEASE REMOVE THIS CRAB CLAW FROM MY EAR?”

         Interesting further still were the amount of Baptists (undoubtedly Holy rollers) that shared with us this fine day. They began frantically rolling around on the ground, telling all how they felt their hearts engulfed with fire of Jesus. “JESUS, GOD ALMIGHTY, I’M ON FIRE!” “I am BURNING, Lord!” God in heaven, rescue us!”

          Some of the Baptists even experienced the freakish phenomenon of spontaneous human confusion! Thank goodness a few stout parishioners had blankets in their trunks to put out their flames!!!


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          Soon after the god-filled members of Clevelands EMS units swept those praising God away, we sat and ate a hearty and wondrous meal of exquisite Alaskan clams, Cambodian chicken, Paraguay corn and many a great side dishes prepared by our very own Chapter of the Blue Haired Ladies Guild!

   More than one in attendance graciously remarked how the clams tasted like crab and the corn had the flavor of refried beans. A few of our Chinese congregation spoke of how chicken had the distinctive and surely imported texture of boiled dogs.

              Our Minister shared with us.

"My children, as bread is broken, as we sip, and I must add, the finest of the David Brainless Lounge’s well stocked bar, and at .75 cents a glass a true bargain, not to mention a new craft draft beer from The Cleveland Sewage Companies fine line of ales and lagers, we are sharing divine inspiration at its sublime peaks at a reasonable price! Far gone are the days when we scurried about aimlessly like tiny microbes in search of grandiose parking lot ventures with an evil desire for further real estate!”

Pausing briefly, taking in a generous swig from his tall glass of Cleveland Sewage Companies East Ohio Gas Explosion 1944 IPA, he proudly went on to say how we, Brooklyn Memorial United Methodist Church, have come a long way and will reach greater heights in the coming years. He spoke of the immense generosity of CSC Brewing Co and how they donated kegs for our event. As he exited our grand outdoor pulpit, unquestionably from poor construction, he lost balance and fell to ground where he soon fell asleep. Snoring loudly to the lord, perhaps having sleep apnia, he rested tranquilly on the weed infested tarmac.

Freddie (Alkie) Peters quickly swaggered up to Pastor Ivan and covered him lovingly with a somewhat tattered and vomit smelling Cleveland Browns quilt. “Yes sirrie Bob, he’s out the like the Cavaliers hitting a par-five with a slapshot!. He’s snoring now!”  Such sublime eloquence,  Freddie. Thanks for sharing!

After eating, we had a contest! Courtesy of Long Johns Putt and Stuff, we had a small driving range set up for those that wished to try their hand at golf! Aimed directly at Wishmiers Funeral home, the winner was Ed Marzecian, slicing hard right and missing the netting completely. He took  out of four of their v windows! The prize was a coupon for 15 dollars for our own Methodish restaurant.

Truly, at five dollars a plate, a great time was had by all!

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                                      Accepting Gays all the way!

We dancing to the Rainbow, ho ho ho dont'ya know????

Taking a very  long time for our church to accept Hispanics, Negros, Croatians, Polish and Negros into our fold, we now accept Gay people!

Their turn out has been great and highly profitable for our church! Not only can they sing triumphantly, make great interior decorators, they are amazing cooks and generally contribute 20% of their income!

Truly a win-win on this! Praise god!

    From the Pastors rain damaged desk and beer soaked mind:

My flock, we took a hit on the Clambake. Due a clerical error we purchased King Crab instead of clams and spent a great deal more than we received. We so grossly undercharged patrons of this event we lost approximately 5 thousand dollars.

We have to be far clearer in our thinking as we open our hearts and souls to propel our church into the decade that began two years ago.

Hindsight being twenty-twenty, what will we think last week three months ago?

I am sure we can do much better!

Pastor Ivan Chanowitz.

             Our church is being attacked!

Help us fight the insurgents of evil as our church is facing lawsuits on many fronts!

Like Germany in World War II, Cuba’s Bay of Pigs or the Sherman’s March to the Sea, there’s always going to be collateral damage with any history making event.

Though we religiously sympathize with the burn victims and many a broken window from our First Annual Clambake, we surely cannot be held responsible for what can only be called ‘gods will.’

We are currently seeking Christian lawyers to help us stop these ferocious firings across our bow.

  In closing this electronic entry.

As we face yet another great month, we must realize our importance in Christ as we

  >>>>due to space limitations and bandwidth issues we must add this<<<<

Methodish Restaurant now offers the best of Kosher cuisine!

Our menu now sports Grilled Salmon, Salmon Cakes and Gelfilte Fish Sandwiches sure to please the pallets of the Jews. We also have the tastiest Mothaball (I have never heard of matzah balls before and have difficulty in spelling it. I must think I was given a poor spelling. After all, what food has moths and balls in it?) soup you have ever experienced. So rich in flavor, heart-attackingly drenched in salt with the purest of ducks blood added to it, we think we nailed this multi-cultural favorite down cold yet served hot!

Ever heard of a Kosher BLT? Well, we have it! Succulent Indonesian grown Lettuce married with the finest of Ukrainian Tomatoes pulled together by the fabulous Bologna of Greenland! All ingredients piled high and nestled between to best smoked wood-added bread Taiwan has to offer!

Grape Kool-Aid added to our extensive beverage menu! This classic drink, loved by grandparents, parents and kiddies alike, now served here! Please pray as you drink it in memory of the Jonestown incident.

Did I mention the Cajun Greens as a side dishes?

We’ve also found a place lacking on our breakfast menu: Authentic Southern Grits! An incredibly tasty dish created by toothless immigrants that don't speak InGrish.

We’re quite sure this new addition to our menu will bring many smiles, and dare we say, the heartiest belches we have ever witnessed!

At Methodish, we believe the bottom-line is more bread for less bread!


  For the Community Around us.

Believing our mission is take those needing help into our realm, we are proud to announce that we’ve employed those around us! In the last month we have hired no less than 6 children of God! Taking in the homeless, purchasing soul-filled discarded WWII cots for them to rest on for a good nights sleep. Placing them in the vacant area adjacent to boiler room for comforting heat and a profound sense of communal joining, we felt it most necessary to give them the best we can meagerly offer.

And at 100 bucks a month, how can we go wrong, my brethren? Sure, some may say we are cheap in payment for services rendered, yet know this brothers and sisters: It’s not like they aren’t getting Welfare, SSI or Disabled Veterans pay. We are giving them the chance to feel useful once again. A chance to feel needed.

We’ve placed two of them in the service of Methodish, and in my opinion and highly paid beliefs, a mighty place to meet Jesus halfway.

In fact, it was William Mark Daruskinheim that said it best when he was sent to cook for us: “I gives drugged self to Jimmy Jones and bak’ries of grape muffins! Thunks, Methadone church takin’ muh in wit my scabby arms ’n falling hairs. Beings a half Nigra, half Asian, half Holstein and two thurdz Whiteness guy, I hopes a’gin! Can I cook Jew food? I’s can bbq’d salmon b’ter than a’nee mofo! Swears, Allah, Fiat be reincarnated, I can does m’bestest. Cants waits fuh ya at tries my grape Kool-Aid! It’s duh bomb!”

So enormously graced to have one of such enthusiasm under our dome, we can only be granted the highest endowments of our Lord.

>>>another word, this time from a patent holder<<<

From the !!! Company, BFE Ohio. Your fine page grants me such splendid royalties from your complete usage of exclamation points that you are putting my children through not only MIT but Harvard as well! Thank you!



Heidi’s Brother: Mark William Darus 1002032012


  Authors Note: this is a SATIRE of the church mailings I grew up with. Of the many that read P:SA from many Countries, I ask you do not take offense to this. It was written for the sake of humor.

Granted, where the USA is concerned, you should take some offense as we, pardon the pun, farm out most things to other countries and sell our own people short.

It was my pleasure to write this.

I dedicate this to you, Holly, Heidi and David H. <perhaps I should send this Wayne S? lol>