Thursday, January 3, 2013

The closing of last year.

                                          The closing of last year.
                               Blessings counted, one by fucking one.
                                            By Mark William Darus.


            I frankly cannot believe I am still alive. Last year was without question the strangest one I have ever known in my fifty years of riding the life-coaster.

           Let’s start January of 2012, shall we.

           2012 rang in with me on a psycho leave from work due to a diagnosis of bipolar type 2/manic depression if you’re old school like me as well as one other thing. The length of this leave was well over 3 months in duration. There were eval’s and the building of medications to level me out as much as possible without getting the Lamictal Death-Rash, (glad I didn’t get that, but back them It really wouldn’t have bothered me.) Yeah, pretty sad…

         I went into this year broke and behind on everything. Oh well, you can’t rebuild without tearing things down and smashing them into tiny bits and clearing the debris. My family did help out, but one can only ask for so much.

          I went back to work toward the end of February 2012 with a level head, (well, as level as my head ever gets that is.) I had a new manager, loads of training to take and things there felt pretty good.

         When I went back to work though, I had no issue to answer peoples questions as to why I was out. I simply told them I was on a ‘psycho-leave for bipolar.’ You can gage people fairly well by watching their reactions to blunt answers said enthusiastically.

        The reactions so varied in display. Some would smile and say ‘go figure’ while others looked horrified and said ‘MY GAWD!”

          As counseling with my psychologist continued ever forward, I became curious to his line of questioning and how each session, he‘d periodically toss out two to three apparently random questions. After a while, those questions had a certain order to them. I did some research and asked him if he was giving the Hare Psychopathy Checklist Revised.

         Where my mind was in early March 2012:

         As things generally happen in my life, I had just started research of child psychopaths after the Chardon High School (Chardon Ohio, USA February 27 2012). My mind, perhaps being more able to focus on psych-meds, I could sustain the ability to seek and find answers to questions my mind asked me. My mind is always asking questions as I see things that make no sense. Before last February though, these thoughts/questions/drives would merely last a day or so and I’d get bored and find something new to ponder. Well, in late February, I could focus.

         As I said earlier, I asked my psychologist if he was giving me the PCL-R.

         His reaction was expected. He smiled and simply said, “Well, you did say you’ve read psych books since age 12 and that I should be smarter than you on this. Apparently, my aim was good, and your sight better than I’d expected.”

           “So I was right?” I asked.

           “Yes. I’m sorry, but our time is through.” He stood, extended his hand to me.

          That was that on with my psychologist. I have no hard feelings.

           I still had my psychiatrist, and is she ever cool!

            It was with that research I happened on the psychological works of Dr. Robert Hare and Dr. Hervey Cleckley.

           I’ll share with you the link for the PCL-R at the bottom of this entry.

            A few words on the works of Dr. Robert Hare, born 1934 Calgary/Alberta Canada. He spent over 35 years studying criminal psychology. Author of several books: Snakes In Suits: When Psychopaths go to Work: 2006 (an eye opener to say the least), Without Conscious: The Disturbing World of Psychopaths Among Us, 1993 (a must read if you are into psychology.) I frankly think this man is a genius.

           Dr. Hervey Cleckley, born Augusta Georgia USA 1903, passing January 28 1984 was a pioneer in the field of psychiatry. His book, which you can find the PDF on the Net titled The Mask of Sanity, I believe to be the best psychology book I have ever read! Dr. Robert Hare devised his PCL-R test in part on the work of Dr, Cleckley.

                      March 3 2012 I started Psychopathy: Another Life.
                     This was to be the baby of my mind: My Brainchild.
                       My thoughts, beliefs, my inter-workings, if you will.

                 I shared this with both my psychologist and my psychiatrist. My ‘cologist smirked at this and said, ‘I expected no less of you, Mark. Good luck!’ My ‘ciatrist was enthused to no end, shook my hand and smiled so beamingly it could have cut the densest of foggy drives. ‘I can’t wait to read your thoughts sent out!’

              And so it began from a literary standpoint.

          The thoughts and interpretations so easily mated with words that I could not, and still have problems believing, they came from my mind.

           This blog has not been well received by everyone in my life. That’s okay though, not everyone likes the blunt truth of psychology, or its writers manipulations to make vital sense, and why should they? It’s like this: Those that read romance novels hardly ever read Clive Barker or Stephen King.

          Set the chronological fuck-up machine: Fall 2011:

           I started on a bowling league for the first time in years. Somehow a I felt some need to prove myself in the world of strangers. I gained a great deal from this. I learned how to become a part of a team with men once again. >I’m sorry, but the team-building exercises I had for ten years at Progressive Insurance but really lack in all sincerity.<

          I started with an average of 143 and over a season took it to a 191. The following summer league I bowled a 297 game. Sadly, due to lack of cash, I could not continue the following fall season of 2012. That sucked, but there was nothing I could do after I got canned in August 2012.

           Not much changed between March and July of 2012.

           About Mid-July, I was at a Big Lots store and saw a digital camera and bought it. Like psychology, I’ve always had a love for photography.

           It is truly funny how things work in my life.

            In mid August I got terminated from Progressive Insurance after over 10 years of loyal servitude before the mast for a timecard fuck-up. Granted, in the twelve months prior to this, I’d seen many others become non-employees and was flabbergasted when I had heard while I was on leave about them giving the companies ’coaches’ the ’take-this-or-be-gone spiel.’

            The music stopped at that point in my employment there, and I was left chairless.

           Good thing I am Nonviolent in nature, isn’t it?

         I wish I could say the same about others I know currently under the ProgDar there. (ProgDar: Progressive Radar.)

        Within a month of getting fired, I had my first photograph used as a book cover. I cannot express how my mind went nuts over that! Further, when the second book cover happened about a month later.

          Count my Blessings? Oh, yeah. Something was happening, changing within me. I knew it, sensed it and lived it.

          I have never doubted that some power, faith, inner subconscious belief can make things occur and bring shining moon glows cutting heavy cloudy nights and slice the murkiest of hazes and fog and show reason to be and inspiration. I have spent a great deal of my life expressing this belief to others as they reached their tiniest last strand as they asked me to waste them so they could get to heaven/nirvana/Valhalla without having to commit suicide. For me to end their lives and take the guilt from them for their wish to die.

       I frankly didn’t think I’d see it for myself as it happened.

        Somehow, I did though.

         I’d be lying if I said the thought of suicide didn’t cross my mind about a half dozen times though.

        I even went Facebook on one desolate and dank night when my meds were off about my wishes to die.

       I was caught, and the Cleveland Police arrived at my door. Thanks, BEX.

        They took me to the hospital.

          I didn’t even get a padded cell and expressed that I felt slighted by this. I was discharged about 8 hours after admittance. I learned a lot about how Cuyahoga County treats potential suicidal people )I can’t say ‘victims’ though.( I walked home from there. I wrote about the experience. They never even called my psychiatrist. I called her later that day and told her what happened.

       She is so cool! She said: ‘Cool! Can you get her to see me today?”

       “Of course, Dr.”

         As most times when seeing her, she’d schedule me for the last appointment of her day.

         She’d bill for 15 minutes but her and I would talk for well over an hour. Sometimes we’d go to two hours over passionate discussions of the human condition. From all recollections of others I’ve known with meetings with psychiatrists, this simply does not happen.

            I understood full well why my psychologist no longer wished to work with me. He knew my score on the PCL-R, and I cannot say I blame him. Most in the this profession need to fear being sucked into the vortex of psychopathy.

          Counting my blessings yet again: My psychiatrist had no such fear. In the coldest of thinking and calculating on my part, I‘d wonder: Was she merely using me as a case study for her benefit? I really hope so. I hope she writes a book about her cases, her observations, hunches and thoughts. At more than a few points during our months together, I advised her she’d be an idiot if she didn’t use her sessions with clients to further the world of the human mind.

          I am happy to say this: Since I lost my benefits four months ago, we still chat and she reads this blog. Thank you, Dr! It is so nice to have you in my corner.

                                 November: Comes the dark time.
                                           Sort of, that is.

                 My gas got shut off in November 2012. I can’t say I blame them. It had been a few months without paying for them to chop it off. Yet for as horrific as this would sound to a Northeast Ohioan, it really didn’t faze me. This is not to say I am totally without fazing, it just didn’t seriously disturb me. Why should it have? I was applying everywhere for a job, donating plasma for cash, basically doing the best I could to keep my animals fed. And failing. You do what you can do…

            This leads me to the stories I’ve yet to post about standing in the lines of humans to donate plasma. So much more like dairy cattle lined up for a milking, they are herded into buildings and sucked on for a bit. I was surprised by how many weren’t crackheads, heroin addicts or prostitutes after a bad night on the corner. I met recently former Ford, GM, Bank of America, Progressive Insurance, Allstate Insurance, Walmart, Kmart, Sears, Target employees. I also careened with the likes of full time employees of Red Lobster, Olive Garden, Perkins, and other companies as they were told there hours would be cut to part time after January One 2013. Go figure on that last part: medical benefits made American Companies run for cover. I smile though: Corporate psychopothy is alive and well… Amen.

            In September 2012, I met many that were recently hired by Progressive Insurance as part timers. Hmmm, would that have anything to do with the new mandates on full timer health care?

           November screams into December and thanks to my youngest daughters lead, I gain the job I currently hold. I’m also told I will have a third and fourth book cover.

         My new job is physical in nature. Unlike my ten years at Progressive Insurance, I do not have to apologize repeatedly for things I had no control over, further making me a corporate drone and emotionally lacking human. What price to maintain an income?

        This new job has me on my feet for 10 hours a day moving several tons of manufactured steel by hand every day. Am I making less per hour? Yes, about 7 an hour less. Does this job give me an ability to look at myself each day knowing I didn’t pass out line after line of bullshit? Absolutely!

        I could not have gotten through august to December of 2012 without Gretchen and Dave R and family. Your unwavering support was incredible.

                           Now in 2013: Outlook.

                      Hell, I got past 2012, I cannot see what 2013 has to bring…
                       I am an Idiot, albeit a happy one, afterall.

                          Here's the link to the PCL-R:

                                 feel free to email me via or my facebook email your results and your thoughts. You should know by know, what you share, will be anonymous.
                                    I'd also like to thank the 68 countries that take the time to read this blog. Over 12,000 reads, and I thank you all!

                                      Mark William Darus.

              PS> Thanks to Santander consumer Credit USA. I called them today about paying off what I thought I had left owed on my truck. They told me it was paid-off and chucked the 250.00 I owed them. Pretty cool.