Friday, September 21, 2012

Brooklyn Memorial Messenger blasts into cyberspace: a satire.




                      The Brooklyn United Methodist Church Messenger.

                                              We’re now online!

               Our proud mission statement: We put the mess in Messenger!




                                                     

 

 

           A few words of worthy note about the summer that just graced us!

        By Gloria B. Goode ( a tried and true blue-haired lady controlling all aspects of this church.)

                                                

 

       What a blessed summer we have just shared! No floods in Northeastern Ohio. Pastor Rodwigweez shared with me the savings the church had in regards to the lack of grass cutting we had to pay for due to the lack of rainfall and the evil rising of gasoline prices.. He shared his words, via an interpreter, with me.

       “¡El sello que tenemos para un césped, enormemente porque el 99 por ciento de nuestras tierras es alquitranado, nos salvó 20 dólares este verano!”

      Did I forget to mention that we are multi-lingual now? Use the Translator link below for better understaning. I would like to thank Bethany Higgenspire for showing me how to do this.  I am so sorry to hear about your sexual encounters with the Aldi's  bag guy, but your secret is safe with me!

             http://translation2.paralink.com/lowres.asp

 

 

 

           Translation to English: “The stamp that we have for a lawn, enormously because 99 per cent of our grounds are tarred, saved us 15 dollars this summer!”

           To those of our congregation that speak Korean: “
우리는 잔디밭에 있어, 엄청난 우리의 근거 99% 타르는 스탬프, 20만달러를 미국 여름 저장되었습니다!

             Arabic: “الطوابع التى نقوم بها من اجل خضرة هائلة بسبب 99 فى المائة من أسباب عصفت, وفر لنا 20 دولار هذا الصيف!

          And, of course, those of the Ebonic Nation: “Look, Mutha Fucka! We’s saved some Scrilla on dis schit, bro. Twenty held be better at da corna store on a few 40’s of Colt 45! Right?!?!”

             In all honesty, I do not know what a ‘mutha fucka’ is, but I am sure they were pleased.

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             Other splendid events that graced us this last Quarter of 2012, ending September.

             Two months ago in January, we were graced with internet access! So amazing is this miraculous new device as we can keep the world informed of our growth and beliefs!





                                                       


           It took me a few sessions with the youth of our church to learn to work Internet access, not to mention many a visit with my psychiatrist to understand my no longer need for a Smith Corona, to make this highly inspirational event to occur.

           After a few, more than a few, Strawberry Daiquiris at Methodish, I began to understand.

Sin-<<<BURP>>>curly,

Gloria B, Goode.

 

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                                     From the David Brainless Lounge.

                 We’ve made many a change to the old place we once knew so well that gave our troubled youths flagrantly vandalous entry  to the area above the sanctuary. We’ve done away with the shelved walls containing books no one ever read. Adjacent to a small kitchen, now completely redone with a Jamaican flavored scheme, now a equipped with a pool table, a karaoke station and a small sports bar with smoking access on the deck built by Bergstein and Irinova and daughters.

                Since it’s opening, our church has made a great deal of money even after the legal suits waged against us for not cutting people off after 8-12 mixed drinks as they encountered satanic accidents on their travels home.

              Let me honestly say this: We of the Church are very sorry for the anguish those that visited our Lounge brought to your family members as they were run them down on your front porches.

             The revamped David Brainless Lounge has something for everyone!

            We have a sound system rivaling any bar in the flats, a pool table that, to date, only has 7 rips in the fabric, and an ample smoking deck just a mere few months from gaining county engineers certification!

         Truly, a good time is had by all. What happens when they pull away from our huge parking lot is not our responsibility.

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                   From the cyber spaced out mind of Jean Marzec.

          About twenty five years ago last spearmint, I found you thinking of Chevy’s flying to the Mars as our one year olds purchased parcels of waves crashing against Fazio’s cereal isle.

         Troubled by months ago when gas prices hit a Denny’s British Burger with the sound of blue, my nose clearly saw a single word, that being: Peaches are 50 feet from a month ago, smell their sweet sounds from the trunks not of cars, but of elephants.

         Dr,? Is my Crown Victoria sounding like I need a 9 and a half foot ceiling as I taste Pizza Hut with my eyes?

                   by Jean, I AM one of the Lincolns, Marzekian...

                                                     



          Well, Jean, we’re sure a good time was had by all of you!

 

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                     Methodish Restaurant not found guilty in multi-cult slaying!

             We are so grateful to announce our fine Christ filled Methodish Restaurant, a place of food and worship was found not guilty of the multi- cult slayings 9 months ago. We had graciously sponsored a Muslim and Jewish communal event which featured the finest of Texas BBQ cuisine. We saw to it the best of Beef and Pork products could be plentifully placed for all in attendance to share under our globe of Jesus. It is not our fault each group ate from the wrong meat source. We are truly sorry for its outcome though and humbly prey all the damned heathens recover quickly.

          We did outsource this to <Company name removed pending further litigation.> and they botched the food name placards.

          Regardless, a good time was had by all of our congregation attending this!

 

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                                        From the plastered Pastors Desk.

 

              My peoples, my families, y todos los bastardos he hecho en los 2 años pasados. I love you all! Allow me to say this: Jeg likte din mikken mødre mens eders fedre arbeidet. <Norwegian>

          Experience life as God makes you do, forgiveness not far away, но Вы лучше всего даете мне 10 процентов, мудак! <Russian>


        Thank you,

           Pastor Rodwigweez-Markov.

 

 

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                                  From our Alumni: Where are they now?

                Gerry  is currently working toward building a bold mission in the heart of Queens New York. Truly a rough job amongst the heathens ahead of him in this non-English speaking world! Best of luck, Gerry!

                Neil is currently facing, and I’m sure we all share this belief, a most unjust set of paternity suits across several States. Know this, Neil, at least your weren’t accused of molesting small boys, and we’re behind you 100 percent!



                                                          
Heidi’s brother, Mark maddog Darus, a devote psychopath, is alive and somewhat well and still residing in Cleveland Ohio. Finding the power of mind and words once again with that of photography, he can still allow the obscure, albeit mostly sick and depressing, mix with an almost acid induced ability to create landscapes/landmines being sometimes ironic and occasionally humorous to share with others. His walk with Christ stands firm as always, unbending.

 

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                   Send us your email address and we’ll send the next release directly to you online! C’mon, save us the cost of printing and snail mail. Please, join us with the lordm in this, the nineteenth century of his rayne!

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Mark William Darus09212012

           The only Author of this was Mark William Darus, best known at Brooklyn Memorial United Methodist Church as Heidi’s brother, so aim any and all lawsuits my way.

 

        Authors Note: To the few so close to me, hoping you remember my hammerings on an Underwood manual, later to an office Smith Corona typewriter, I hope this makes you smile.

         To those I have come to be graced with your presence over the last 8 months or so, this was a sarcastic view of the newsletter my church of youth sent out to its flock. Decades ago, I typed out lampoons of such newsletters and caused a few to laugh with tears. I’m sure most of you won’t catch the humor and that’s okay, but god knows, its essence is fairly accurate in its absurdity. Frankly, I think my editing was better that what we read back when, but that's my ego talking, mates!

            Look at this as my type of a  Monty Python view of the Methodist Church some 30 years ago.

Thanks to Heidi and Dave H: You have no idea how much fun this was for me  to write! Thank you. God Almighty, I so love the freedom a good non sequitur!