Friday, October 19, 2012

Shadows on my Mind: Harder than Diamonds.


                                         Shadows on my Mind.
                                         Harder than Diamonds.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poEgGqHadA8

                                        By Mark William Darus

To what do I owe for the amazing gifts I have been given? In the last two months I have had two of my photographs become book covers. I am stunned in a way so unfamiliar that I have thrown up twice today. My God, two covers and possibly a third.

 

I feel something is happening to me. I have no idea what though. It’s sort of exhilarating and frightening at the same time. It’s like I have somehow stumbled into some obscure movie that it so slightly based in reality that I’m almost afraid I’ll wake up and find it an illusion.

Since July 2012, I have taken over 8000 photographs, generally liking about 10 percent of those. Such is the luxury of digital photography, oddly something I had little interest in as opposed to 35mm SLR’s. In the last two months or so, throwing myself into workings of my Fuji, I taught myself to only shoot in manual mode.

When I go on my journeys, usually with a huge cup of coffee and a pack of L&M’s, I am usually alone. It’s not that I don’t like being around friends when I shoot so much as I feel it wrong to ignore them. I get absorbed wherever I go to the point that my surroundings become my lover, it’s embrace so warm and welcome.

From a written standpoint, this will the least amount of words I have ever entered on my Blog.

Enjoy…


 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 



 


 





 

 
 
At this point after taking the last two to three hours reviewing, I think I know those that should be thanked.
I humbly thank Ryn Cricket and Deborah Gilbert for thinking enough of my shots to place them on your books. I would also like to thank all my Facebook friends for their kind words of encouragement.
But it is with profound gratitude that I say this: Big thanks as well as milk and kisses to the loyal readers of Psychopathy: Another Life! I don't think I would've returned to photography if it hadn't been for you.
 


                       To everyone, to my god, nature, cold man made steel, I bow to you for the gifts you share with me.

Mark William Darus 10192012
 



                      

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Reflections.

                                             
                                           Reflections.
                                  By Mark William Darus.

 

How many of us take the time to look back on our lives objectively? Sure, as the sharpest edge of depression stab us in the gut, most of us do. But at that point, what do we really feel about ourselves except fear and shame?

 

 

A few years back, I was with a woman that wanted someone to kill her. So utterly miserable and painfully scarred, she wanted death like one would crave a rare t-bone after happily leaving a vegan life that failed.

Laying next to me on the dampening grass, she is trembling and eyes looking crazed. Chilled air traveled around us, the moon riding high behind budding trees. The vibrations from trunks thumping from rap music playing way too loud.

“I want to die!. There is nothing for me here. Can’t you see that?” She is whimpering as shadows run across her face displaying eyes that loosen and tense up, fighting tears. Quivering lips, their ends curling up and down.

“No, I can’t. Explain.”

“I can’t do anything right. You’re not happy with me. I hate my job, I hate my life!”

“And what of your son?”

“I’ve failed him! I can’t get him what he needs. I snap at him like I do at you.”

“You have two sons though, did you forget about the other one?”

“You’re a bastard! I hate you.”

“Yeah, I am. Sorry, it was a trick question.”

Laying in a highly public park, I found it nice to know that at least one person could take it upon themselves to leave their safe-place and inquire.

“You guys alright?” Wearing a flowing skirt caught by the breeze, a short crowned blond looked down at us.

“We’re fine. Thanks for asking. She’s just upset that Dominoes is late with our pizza. I mean, really, how hard is it to deliver here?” I sarcastically initiated. Seeing the cock of head, I added, “sort of tense, but I’m handling it.” I then looked squarely into eyes and mouthed the words: ‘do me a favor. Stay close behind her in case I fail, okay?’

Nodding to us, adding, “Don’t let them forget the Cheesy Bread sticks.”

Looking into my girlfriends eyes, “People can be so rude, can’t they?”

“Yes, they can be. But not like me. I’m evil. You have to be able to see this.”

“Evil? You can be very evil. My family and friends saw this about you early on. I’ve known it all along though, kind of what attracted me to you.”

“Attracted you? That’s all you saw in me?”

Staring at her, I am entrenching, getting ready for the storm front of hostility to fly my way, I said, “Sure! I haven’t met many so self loathing and thoroughly unworthy I thought I’d take you for a spin. Do you have a problem with this? C’mon, we’re been together for how many years?”

“I HATE YOU!”

“Good.” I smiled. “But exactly why do you hate me? Because I saw you as you are early on? Because your eyes seldom meet your actions? Because I looked at you as one of the most hypocritical people I have ever met?”

She quickly rose to a sitting posture, glaring at me, arms tensing, fists clinching. Still not speaking verbally.

“You gonna cry? Huh? Are you going to cry like a baby?” I prodded.

“I-I-I! Why don’t you just kill me?”

“Well, sorry, haven’t got a knife handy. Oh, wait, I’m sure there’s a few in this hood that do. Give me a sec. HEY! DOES ANYONE AROUND HERE HAVE A SUITABLE KNIFE FOR A MERCY KILLING? I’m only gonna charge 10 bucks to see it or 20 to vid it.”

If you ever wish to gauge human reaction, just throw that out there. Everyone except the crew-cut blond took staggering flight.

She began to cry slowly at first. “I hate crying. I’m not a baby! I’m not!”

She is rocking in the fetal position, sobbing fully.

Not quite there yet, I say: “Yeah, your sons deserve better than you. They really do! And by the way, I so love watching you crash!”

Snapping too, she lunges at me full force.

I roll away, rollback and plant myself astride on her pinning her arms. My browns never leaving her flashing eyes.

“Do you hate me?!?!” I ask.

“YES!”

“You want to fight me?” I grin at her

“YES. DAMN IT!”

“Good.”

“Good? How’s that good?”

“Well, it means you ain’t done yet.”

Her voice lowering, speaking with heaving breath, “I hate to cry…”

“I know, dear. But crying is necessary. It’s like milk, it does a body good!”

“I love you. I’m so sorry.”

“I know you do and I know you are.”

By this time we are embracing each other. Her tears hit both my face and chest with their warmth as we roll across the dewy grasses.

“Why do you put up with me?” Her tone quieted and nearly even.

“What makes you think I have a choice?”

“But you’ve never left me.”

“Why would I? You’re not the monster you think you are. That and the fact you have a talent to say things in odd vocal inflections that nail you to me.”

“Where would I be without you?”

“If it hadn’t been me, it would have been someone else…”
                                          

 

 

So many are the times I reflect on this frequent event in my life. I’ve experienced things similar to this with many a fine woman in 34 years of dating.

What things do you reflect on? Have you ever been the ‘her or I’ at some point in your life?

As you close your eyes, perhaps laying with another, falling into the land of sleep alone, do you regret anything? Do you reflect on anything across the decades of your life and how it causes tosses and turns from things not dealt with?

Looking back, what would you change knowing that any change you could do would alter what you know now?

Sure, if you could go backward and not date that woman that you hastily learned to hate with your friends and family. You could chop her from your past and thus trash the very children you love created only through her in the process. Where would be then?

Standing one morning in front of full length mirror, taking inventory of areas needing a work out while hearing the sound of her ex husband on voicemail asking for her to fill the kids meds again. Thinking ‘So, he has custody, but I’m trying to do something here! Can’t he understand? I wish I never met him…’

Imagine, or don’t imagine anything as I think these things do occur, where people end up when their thoughts are heard?

 

I believe it to be the total sum of our lives that make us what we are where we are.

We are where we are, and we best learn to appreciate it. There a beauty out there.

I wouldn’t change any element in my life no matter how bad it is…
                                            


Mark William Darus10172012

Authors note: Photo subject was Rachel Anne Darus. Always a great shoot.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

What catches in your head?

 
 
                                        What catches in your head?
  What hits you in a way that doesn’t catch my interest as we walk together?
                                         by Mark William Darus

        May you and your higher power hear the words of this song as you read my tiny offering. Read the God line in any respect in your lives.
Don't take it personally, okay?
                               http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esXTFQzvXJI
               

 

Why do some of us slow down as our eyes catch the swirl of reds and blues flashing on the other side of a freeway, causing us to slow and see the possible carnage of blood on the highway? Perhaps a mangled body, bloodied face down on an auto’s hood, caught at the hip by shattered windshield, catches our fancy. Others seek the frantic elements of bodies running about to save someone else with their energy. Occasionally, there are a few that just want to get somewhere and are tired with another Gawkers block on the road.
                                         

You are standing near a towns square during a warm summer eve. It’s about an hour and half before sunset. Birds quickly stop chirping as squirrels madly dart toward trees . Heads snap in all directions as sounds become frightening echoes banking off many a stone structure.

In the towns center, a polka band plays Frankie Yankovic’s Beer Barrel Polka, it’s lead accordion player rocking about like a  heavy metal god. People are dancing, most so inebriated they think this song is the Turkey Dance.

An ambulance sirens cut this eve in half though few notice. Apparently someone is beyond drunk. A trashed, highly overweight man fell on the mayors third cousin. Granted, she of stout form and holding 365 pounds on her own, got leveled by the town drunk with his 250 pounds as he passed out.

“My lord! He crushed her!”

“I’b thunk he jus wan-ted a Queen sized to zretech onn.”

“Please tell me your camera is rolling!”

“FLAT, LIKE A PANCAKE, MOMMA!”

“That bitch had it coming! Is she dead?”

“Dude, why the fuck is the mayor smiling?”

“I did tell her it was not just a yeast infection.”

Towns process what they do in their own way.

Yet there were about twenty five townsfolk that saw a tiny woman take a beating from some cowboy hat wearing idiot in northern Ohio.

She yelled, cried, and needless to say, screamed her fucking head off.

In Ohio, all the screaming a female can do only means getting the one beating the shit out of her a bigger audience. Blood from her chopped lips flies about,, landing on storefront windows, pavement and passerby as they lick it from their face or passionately kiss one another.

She attempts to stand, rising to her knees before her husband, he spirals with pivoting left foot and plants his right heel to her forehead.

Pain rising fully, tendons hitting hard bone. “That hurt, slut!” His Achilles hit her solidly and he dropped to the memory embossed brick pavement: "in the loving memory of Irving. You bred such good pigs. My Loving wife, sorry, yourbest friend did me better. and so forth," fools payed to have cut into Beldon Brick.
Shaking off his tumble, standing fast, he aims his fists at her.

“She mustta done som’thin to git this.”

“Christ, someone needs to stop him!”

“Y’uh, I saw her by Johnny’s Feed last wee’kund. I seen her face.”

“Why’s the ambulance over there?”

“I guess calling a cop would be pointless here, honey. Time to bolt!”

“Oh! Fuck this!”

A single gunshot rings out, worthy of Oswald, and kills the abuser as the sounds of Frankie play on and the whiffs of elephant ears getting cooked fill the air. Children laugh about in the background as gasps hit this near place where ones murder is a delight to see.

In my opinion, the best line of this night went to the moron that asked if the mayors third cousin would be alright.

 

What do you see when you see?

Is that such a hard question to ask? What do you see as life passes before you?

Look at it this way: How many seasons can you experience before you die? Perhaps eighty, more often less, and what do you take into memory to pass to others? If you’re lucky, out of the 70 or 80 years you have to share, how many really good Christmas’, Pass Over’s can you recall?

I see this land I walk as some extremely disturbing place to be. Problem is, to me it is not disturbing at all. I see drug dealers and hookers all the time and I find their conversations quite interesting with twists you just can’t get from the more pathological in our society.

A few weeks ago I did the Donate-For-Cash plasma thing. Got fifty for my hour of time for my first visit. Know this: This is the first time I donated anything and had an IV connected to me. I hate needles: period! I wasn’t freaking out though. I was in ‘recorder-mode’ and did so.



“Uh, let me get my supervisor,” stating and bustling away from me.

Tall, slinking mid-length hair brunette looks down at me. “You asked for a supervisor?”

“Nope. I did ask questions though.”

“You free at 6PM?”

“You buying?”

\

“depends. What’s your thoughts on Genetic links in homosexuals versus nature?”

I gave her an answer and she stuck my right arm. Clean, painless stick like none I have ever known from tetanus shots and blood work over my decades.

“You’re a real vampire, aren’t you?” I asked.

“Meet me at six, and you’ll see.”

“okay, but do you like bacon?”

 

 

Laying flat on a mirrored bed.



I asked aloud, fighting my bodies wanting to faint dead away, I bit my lip hard and asked “So, what brings you all here?” I cannot say I hate the taste of my blood in my mouth. Truthfully, I did not mind the blood of women that ran their cycles when they were with me.

When they began to answer, I fully realized what landed in my attentions-mesh and the shit passing away like piss to a colostomy bag.

Questioning those that said: “my momma’s dying.” My asking them how: Small cell cancer? Remarkably many said their moms had kicked several years ago. Wow, cool, got them held by the arms on couches! Rock with me Freud!

Let’s speak clearly here. Did I want fifty bucks for 60 minutes? Yep. Was it my intention to talk to others laying flat and vulnerable? Absolutely! Was this a chance to dig into the minds of others? Oh yeah!

“Sorry to hear that, how’d she die?” I asked emotionlessly.

“Sh’ got trumphed by Amtrak, sucka!”

“she was weak, you see. Her man killed her.”

“I really don’t care how she kicked. The whores around here will give me a discount on a blow job!”



When my sixty minutes concluded.

I strolled to the employee smoking area and hawked a few lougies with them. I smiled as my mind thought this like some odd communion of the strange.

Wearing various forms of acceptable clothing: nursing prints of flowers, country-western themes and clouds and crucifixes, I had to ask: “ So, does cotton and polyester really prevent the connection from infected blood?” Like roaches fleeing when a light gets turned on, they split quickly.



So, what falls into your strainer?

What hits you and makes you think?

What makes YOU human?

At what point do you cut yourself from the norm?

                  

Mark William Darus 10162016